he’s got her covered
I know most guys might not relate to this, but I’m assuming that most of the girls who come across this blog have thought about their future in one way or another. And by future, I mean along the lines of marriage and family and babies. I assume this because it’s what my friends and I talk about all.the.time.
One of our favorite discussions is about our future children. How many do we want to have? How old do we want to be? What will their names be? And do we want boys or girls?
My answer to the last question has always been boys, and my reason has always been that I’ve just naturally always related better with boys than girls. I don’t know how to be a “girly-girl”, and if I ever had a daughter who was, I’ve always been afraid that I wouldn’t know what to do with her. Obviously I’d love her regardless, but I’ve just always doubted that I would make as good a mother for a girl as I would for a boy.
What I don’t often say is that not only am I worried about that, but I’m worried that any daughter that I might have will end up like me.
Not that I’m not happy with where I am in life now. I have my rough moments, but altogether, I’m doing alright. I have good friends, a great family, and I’m going to be attending a great college next year. But it’s what got me here that scares me. I’ve been through a lot, and although I boast in my weakness, it’s nothing I would ever wish upon anyone else.
The scary thing is, addictions like I had in my life tend to run in the family. If the parent suffers, usually the child is more likely to do the same. The idea of my daughter having to experience the pain and suffering that I’ve gone through is enough to make me wish her to never exist. Maybe it would be better, I sometimes think. I worry about her a lot, I’ve noticed. Ridiculous, right? Especially since I don’t even know if she’ll ever be born.
The other night, though, God and I were talking, and I brought this worry of mine to his attention. When I was done explaining, He gave me the most out of the ordinary thought I’ve ever had.
I’ve known for years that God formed me in my mother’s womb. He knew who I was before the universe even began, and He knew every aspect of my life. He knew about my addiction; He knew about my recovery; and He basically knows more about me than I do. So, if I believe all of that, shouldn’t I also believe that the same goes for my own daughter?
God’s outside of time. Things don’t go chronologically for him. Therefore, He knows exactly who my daughter will be, and He can see her now, even though I can’t. In that moment, I realized that I didn’t have to worry, because He has her covered. Now, I pray for her daily. I pray that God protects her and takes care of her when I cannot. It’s the strangest thing, to know that even now, God has my child in His hands even though I haven’t even graduated high school yet.
Maybe this concept seems kind of obvious to whoever reads this, but it really shook me up the other night and has stayed with me since. I just get this peace whenever I think about it, and I can’t help but think that man, God is amazing.